My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The game has officially changed 😎
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: