I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Mood.. 😂
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.