Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
These are my roll models.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
The eclipse was like April fools for birds