There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
You Might Also Like
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.