Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
You Might Also Like
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Inside you there are two wolves
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.