She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Wait a minute
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.