People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Employees must applaud the planets.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.