I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
that lip filler tho
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Dune (2021)
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw