It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Hmm, not sure about this change
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
5 ways to appear taller
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!