[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
You Might Also Like
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
accurate
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.