[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
bad news gang
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.