How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin