My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
You Might Also Like
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: