I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that