Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Come back with a warrant
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.