7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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I need a headline like this
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I have so many questions.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over