“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
From my Mom
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Horrifying if literal: a handbag