If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.