deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”