Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
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Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.