Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what