– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk