Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”