Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Britain be like
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.