Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside