BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”