[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
😏😏😏
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
british sex workers really pound for pound
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
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