Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*cough*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
s
oc
i
a
l
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants