So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.