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[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
step 6: release the wall snake
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Same post same
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk