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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché