WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
what does he know…
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*