Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
You Might Also Like
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry