If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*exercises sarcastically*
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
somebody come look at this
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.