I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.