When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping