This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.