My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”