You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Just a reminder, folks:
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.