yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Breaking news:
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
CRYING
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]