To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
when u come home smelling like another dog
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie