Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Mornin. * use accordingly
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes