CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered