Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
not for long
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Beware of the dog..
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]