Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there