My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Happy Friday
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!