Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers