I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.