Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
when there are deer in the woods
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Have kids, they said
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.