My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.